National Guard botches plan to suppress the vote

WASHINGTON — Gen. David Hokansan, Chief of the National Guard, admits the service botched a nationwide plan to suppress the popular vote, sources report.

“Some state Adjutants General ordered their troops to block votes in pro-Trump districts,” Hokansan said. “Unfortunately others gave contrary orders, while some troops misinterpreted their orders and blocked votes that were pro-Biden. I’ll take the blame for that.”

Miscommunication wasn’t the only issue. Several units planned to intimidate voters but large numbers of personnel didn’t feel like showing up that day. Other units were undeployable because they had too many people overweight and/or Cat 3 dental.

Many armored companies planned to storm post offices to burn mail-in ballots, but their vehicles broke down because maintenance hadn’t been done in years. Regiments in Los Angeles, operating on bad intelligence, smashed closed restaurants and set fire to boutique clothing stores.

Still, other parts of the operation went off without a hitch. Acting on exit poll data, national guardsmen stormed polling centers and conducted summary executions of poll workers. People waiting in line were dispersed at gunpoint.

“A national guardsman asked me if I had ID,” Sarah Long of Madison, Wisc., said. “I showed him my driver’s license, but he confiscated it because the plastic on it was peeling so I couldn’t vote. He then gave me a lecture about how it was going to expire soon and I need get it renewed. It’s not expired now asshole, give me my shit back.”

“This was a good wakeup call for the readiness of the National Guard,” Gen. Hokansan said. “We’re going to look into the issues that occurred so we can maintain readiness in the future. However, I’m proud to say our mission was somewhat successful, and the reported vote totals do not reflect the popular vote in any way.”