News Pentagon

New female body armor just pink, more expensive regular body armor

THE PENTAGON – The military provided details Friday about source new body armor designed specifically for women’s bodies. Called Athena Armor, the new equipment is exactly the same in size, weight, and general dimensions as current body armor but is pink and significantly more expensive.

In a PowerPoint deck distributed to media, the military hyped the new equipment as “100 percent PPE” and emphasized the Athena’s ability to help female soldiers “discover their warrior goddess within.” Doing so will come at a per-unit cost nearly double that of current standard issue body armor.

While color and cost are the most obvious differences between Athena Armor and current equipment, the new system incorporates several additional updates. The Athena system replaces all existing pockets and pouches with fake ones soldiers can’t get their hands into. The body armor also includes side plate attachments which can be customized for a fee with words like “Fierce” and “Who run the world.”

Sizing guidance for units included with the media packet emphasizes that female soldiers should plan to order a size smaller than their current body armor as the Athena is intended to be “super sturdy and a little bit flirty.” Defense experts note that this could leave female soldiers with vital organs in their abdomens exposed but concede that it will also be a hot look for summer.

“Women in the military have been asking for armor designed for them for years” said Todd Rockhouse, leader of the all-male acquisitions team in charge of design, purchasing, and fielding the new armor. “I’m glad we can deliver something that will address every female need we could think of without actually asking any women.”

Early reactions from female soldiers have varied between extremely negative and depressingly resigned. A DoD spokesman stated that those soldiers who are unhappy are probably just on their periods. He further advised that any female soldier who does not wish to don the Athena can wait several more months for the release of a new, much more expensive, puffy version perfect for Spring.