THE PENTAGON — According to a press release, all Department of Defense personnel are now required to complete an online Coup Awareness course as part of their mandatory calendar year training.
The official statement explicitly denies rumors that the course was created in response to simmering partisan tensions surrounding the 2020 presidential election.
“People should not look too deeply into the timing or content of this course,” the letter explains. “After all, it’s not like any of our other annual training relates to things we actually do.”
Duffel Blog was able to review the curriculum prior to the course’s rollout, currently scheduled for ten minutes after polls close on Election Day. The infamous CGI Gunnery Sergeant from the Marine Corps’ Tobacco Cessation course makes an appearance, deepfaked over General Milley’s body in a video depicting the General’s courageous march through Lafayette Square. After Gunny implores students to imagine a world where America is run by the same brilliant Generals who’ve spent the past 20 years losing wars to illiterate subsistence farmers, the course concludes with a ten question quiz. There is already a Quizlet circulating in the barracks with all of the answers.
Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Grinston has warned the Joint Chiefs that delays to the Army’s new Combat Fitness Test mean troops won’t be physically ready for a coup.
“We’re looking at an 80 percent failure rate on the leg tuck,” he said. “I cannot, in good faith, send out America’s sons and daughters to quell violent domestic insurrections, knowing that they haven’t had the right physical preparation.”
Army staff pointed to the high rate of expired cyber awareness and sexual assault prevention training, and noted that if a soldier can’t be trusted to keep their own training up to date, they probably weren’t ready to start a corrupt shadow government fueled by terror.
At press time, dental clinics on installations nationwide were working around the clock to ensure all active duty personnel are class 1 by the time Florida and Pennsylvania finish counting votes.
Blondes Over Baghdad contributed to this report.